(402):

From rate my professor, “I don’t wear my seat belt driving to school because I want to die before I can make it to this class”

(920):

I wasn’t that drunk

(920):

So you go jump on top of bars and sing “I’m a barbie girl” at the top of your lungs like a girl when you’re sober?

(920):

….maybe

(612):

How drunk was I last night?

(612):

You stripped naked and reenacted the Circle of Life scene using my little sister.

(612):

I was drunk off my ass again.

(801):

Are you ready to start getting skinny next weekend?!

(801):

Yes!

(801):

I can’t hear you!!

(801):

That’s because we’re texting

(801):

That back fired!

(920):

I turned my computer on and as soon as the screen lit the fire alarms went off. My first thought? Holy shit I broke the world.

(651):

I told you to stop doing that!

(920):

What, breaking the world? It just happens!

(651):

No. Dropping your phone just happens. Spilling coffee just happens. Breaking the world? Doesn’t just happen. You’re going to cause the Apocalypse you know that right?

(920):

You say that like it’s a bad thing.

(306):

So now Catlin just has a random bag of pizza crusts

(386):

Throw them at children.

(306):

OMG! I’ll just go to 20th st. and throw them at hookers!

(386):

OMG! Will you make a video?

(306):

well, it’s 10:19 on a wednesday, so there aren’t exactly any hookers out tonight… i’ll just wait til the weekend. but i’ll put it on Youtube.

(414):

Hey sis how are you?

(920):

What did you do? You only ever ask me how I am when either you do something wrong or you need me to cover for you. So let’s cut to the chase what did you do?

(414):

I may or may not have tried to make a smoothie and forgot to put the top on the blender…

(920):

That’s it? That’s easy. Blame the platypuses. Always blame the platypuses.

(801):

CHASE, MAY I BORROW A BABY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

(801):

Huh

(801):

AXEBOY AND I NEED A BABY! AND WORD ON THE STREET IS THAT YOU HAVE ONE!!

(801):

Not for trade. Wait what?

(801):

No. Just to borrow. I don’t want to keep it.

(801):

I just had the best experience with a spider EVAR! He was crawlin on my ceiling and I looked at him and he stopped so I said, “Mhm. I see ya. You think you’re a ninja.” and then he started running away.

(801):

That’s amazing.

(801):

Nope. Cuz then I realized… He was the diversion. I had two others land on my head.

(801):

You’re kidding

(801):

I wish I was

(+44):

i just witnessed a boy casually riding home. on a unicycle.