Random Texts

(913):

His phone isn’t working! What if he died?!

(913):

Yes, dear. God went to the cell phone store and was like, “deactivate this number, kind sir, for this child is now mine.”

(254):

Yeah, I totally want to buy one from the Renaissance Festival. Those bows are expensive, but way cool!

(254):

Yeah, that’s cool.

(254):

Yeah, I know! They’re the kind that totally make you look like an elf! You’ll be like *WHAM* and people will be like ‘OMG are you an elf?!!’ and you’ll be like ‘Why yes I am an elf.’ and ride off on your unicorn.

(732):

My mom just told me to “put on perfume for the pictures”……

(678):

We need to talk about cake.

(770):

sounds like a fun conversation! much better than “we need to talk about us.”

(678):

It’s the same conversation. “cake” is actually a euphemism for “us.”

(770):

Nooooo!!! Frosting!!!!

(603):

my life’s goal = being allowed to eat popcorn with my face because I HAVE NO ARMS

(878):

Hey, can we talk about something sirius?

(878):

Wait is this about you and me?

(878):

Hell no, didn’t you see how I spelled sirius? I wanted to ask you if you wanted to hunt down Beatrice, and avenge Sirius Black. What are YOU talking about?

(878):

Um… nevermind. Sure, I’d love to.

(801):

So, last night you and I survived a zombie apocalypse and saved three dogs

(801):

I thought there was a cat… That was a DOG? I guess all the zombie guts kind of made it hard to tell but still…

(801):

No Heather, it was in my dream. And you left me alone outside in the dark at one point.

(801):

Oh. Did all my farting on you make you dream of the world ending? Cody, were they really that bad?

(801):

No! But it was pretty scary cuz I don’t know if we lived or not

(425):

i want a pet moose.

(442):

Now, if you excuse me, I must prepare for temporary hibernation and the training of the brain to wake up early.

(916):

What’s going to happen to Waldo?!

(916):

No one even knows where he is.

(555):

I found him doing your mom.

(555):

At least we know he’s straight.

(555):

That stripe-y shirt was suspicious.

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