Best This Year
(509):
So I’m in Claires with my sisters and when Single Ladies stared playing I heard this little girl belting “All the single lettuce! All the single lettuce!”
(908):
…Oh my God
What?
I was just eating some Redvines at my fair booth, and an extremely hot guy rolled over to me in his Heely’s and said “Redvines: What the hell can’t they do?” I got his number.
Soulmate=Acquired?
YOU BET YOUR BOTTOM DOLLAR!
(937):
guess what?
its 3 in the morning. can this wait?
no, i found waldo! i have proof! come to the front door!
look, i dont see…seriously? u dressed up as waldo and came to my house at 3 in the morning?
thats not me…
(952):
when i blow dry my hair it takes on a hermione-like consistency
that’s frightening
like im talking first year hermione. not attractive 7th year.
(954):
Irrelevant status update.
Unrelated comment.
Witty comeback that really doesn’t make sense.
Uncalled for joke about your mother.
Smartass remark that starts off with “oh yeah? well,” and then ends in something ridiculously stupid but somehow seems offensive.
(786)
Questions the legitimacy of your childbirth.
(954)
Explanation of how I beat birth control, thus proving how awesome I am.
(847):
my mom was making fun of me cos apparently i’m a magnet for asians
i wish i was a magnet for something other than mosquitos…
it’s cos you’re so sweet
i wish i was salty. like bacon. boys like bacon.
(562):
Does cutting other people instead of yourself still make you emo?
…no, it makes you mentally disturbed and possibly a criminal.
(212):
I just woke up. It’s seven a.m. And now, after getting fresh, i’m downstairs eating cereal. Everyone around me is rushing.
I swear to god, you text me anymore hidden-lyrics texts of songs i hate, i’m removing you from my contacts.
Huh? Oh, sorry. I was to busy deciding which seat to take. I saw my friends, you know.
i hate you.
(916):
These ppl from West Side Story are pretty good dancers for being gang members
Thats because their pants are on their butts, not around their ankles
(913):
His phone isn’t working! What if he died?!
Yes, dear. God went to the cell phone store and was like, “deactivate this number, kind sir, for this child is now mine.”