Best This Year
(404):
some dude just asked me to get in his big white van and he would give me ice cream
what flavor did u get
i didnt get in the van!!!
y not a perfectly nice man was gonna give u ice cream :)
your gonna die from something like this someday
(732):
I want to be a hug-prostitute. One that is paid to give nice hugs to lonely people
(317):
I’m in my room, reading Harry Potter, and eating popcorn.
I’m in my room, building a mailbox for the hobo down the street.
You’re too perfect.
Nah, I’m gonna put a muffin in it everyday.
(317):
I’ve always wondered, are you allowed to put numbers or exclamation points or question marks in your child’s name. Like could you name them 34GNP6 or Laura! or Chuck?
…
(269):
I love you.
I love you, too. :)
The fact that you properly punctuated that statement only reinforces why I’m dating you.
(404):
Dude that math test today was killer! Got an easy A though, I cheated. Speaking of math, does the teacher still have your phone that she took away today?
Yes.
…..
(330):
WE ARE GETTING A DIVORCE.
AH SHIT WE’RE MARRIED!?!
NOT ANYMORE!!! GO BACK TO YOUR BOOZE AND HOOKERS!!!!
SHE WAS NOT A HOOKER! SHE WAS A NICE LADY AND HER NAME WAS DAVID!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(530):
I had a weird dream last night
What kind of weird? “Pigs are wearing moustaches and flying around” weird? “Holy Crap I’m a woman” weird? “Sweet I’m the emperor of Kyrgyzstan” weird? If I was a slug weird? Or “Well there was this girl…” weird?
…The last one.
That’s not weird at all. You boring person.
(404):
Did you know that you’re still “voice of reason” in my contacts?
Of course! Nice curtain skills btw. Your wisdom for today comes from Lord Voldemort through Twitter. You know you’re ghetto when the sorting hat tries to put you in Waffle house.
This. Is why we’re friends.